Suburban Psychosis

Lets Play Wal-Mart Bingo!

Or Things That Make Me Think Of Ned Beatty

I must be living under a rock or something, because I never knew Wal-Mart bingo existed. All these years I simply avoided the strange people, instead I could have been hunting them for fun! I downloaded this board, but it didn't come out large enough (sorry). Love the someone oblivious to the fact they are in your way and the entire family wearing NASCAR squares.

Well, I thought I loved this card, but then I went to visit my in-laws and well...the card doesn't fit their Wal-Mart. My in-laws live in a small town in Mississippi. When we go out into town I always hum to myself dueling banjos. Yes, I do and you would too, if you saw these town folk. Now they may not live in the town, they might be coming out of the woods to shop or get moonshine supplies. Either way they scare the hell out of me. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that a movie casting agent ran out of gas on the side of the road and came across the guys that took Ned Beatty hostage. Maybe the agent offered them roles in Deliverance in exchange for his or her life. It doesn't matter if they can read, they only had to be told "act natural".

So I decided that in order to play Wal-Mart bingo in this town, I would have to change a few squares. These are the new titles I'll be inserting.


1. Balding women with comb-overs

2. Men wearing white rubber boots and coveralls

3. Braless women

4. Men or women wearing ratty slippers

5. Crossed eyed people with unibrows and high foreheads

6. Children with a mouth full of silver caps

7. Families wearing full hunting camouflage (dresses, diaper covers, socks, hair ribbons included)

8. Mullets and chullets (bonus for more than one person in a group sporting this do)

9. Deep dark grease line under the finger nails (all of them)

10. Women with dark body hair on most of their exposed parts or sideburns.


Now don't get me wrong, I'm not stuck up. I really do think there is something strange going on in this town and/or the surrounding woods. Maybe it's as simple as they are all related? Maybe there is something in the water or a toxic landfill that was covered up years ago?

I wonder if bringing my camcorder in the store would go over well?