Monday, July 13, 2009

Shut Up and Kill It!

Ever since I had kids; I've had an incredible sense of hearing and smell. One might call them my super powers, but most of the time they aggravate me. I can smell and hear things in the next room, which drives us all crazy.

Last night was one of those times that my powers came in handy. It was late and my husband and I were just settling in to bed. After a few moments of silence, this gem of an episode happened.

(Laying in bed honing my senses to a familiar unwanted sound)

me: We're not alone
him: What???

me: There's something in here
him: Shh, no there isn't

me: Can't you hear it?
him: No, just go to sleep

me: Did you hear that, that's the sound, it's a bug
him: You hear a bug? It's just a June bug or something hitting the window outside

me: No, it's one of those jumping bean bugs and he is inside this room
him: Are you serious? I think its outside, go to sleep

(Sound continues, we lift our heads to help zero in on it. Husband turns blinds open to show me the June bug outside. Sound stops)

me: Great jackass, you let it out!
him: There's nothing there

me: Not anymore, because you let it out of the blinds. Now it could be anywhere. It's going to crawl in my ear.

him: It's not going to crawl in your ear (sarcastically)
me: Didn't you see that earwig movie? It goes in people's ears and drives them crazy!
him: It's a June bug, not an earwig (sarcastically)

(Suddenly I feel something touch my arm. I spring up and out of bed with great agility and speed. I run away from the bed to hide in the bathroom screeching oh my God. Husband turns on lights to...yes...find a jumping bean bug in the bed where I was laying)

me: See, I told you jackass! See it's a jumping bug. You should have listened to me. I hate you.
him: (laughing)

me: It's not funny asshole. I hate those things. Will you just kill it!
him: I can't find it (laughing)
me: What! (Peeks through door. sees bug and points it out) If you'd stop laughing at me; you could see. There he is - kill him!
him: Got it, it's over (Still laughing)
me: I hope he didn't have a friend

(Husband smacked bug with flip flop. All seems well, so we get back in bed)

him: Better now?
me: Do you hear that?
him: Oh for Christ sake, you hear something again?
me: Shut up. There it is again.

(I quickly exit the bed and move toward the bathroom. Husband turns on the light and there it is...another one!)

me: I knew it, I knew it. Kill it!
him: This is weird, where are they coming from? (laughing)
me: Stop laughing at me! When you open the door to let the dog in & out, they fly in like Ninjas.
him: He's gone (laughing) come on get in bed (laughing)

For the next 30 minutes I am under the cover protecting myself from any further bugs while my husband is teasing me by making faint clicky sounds. I don't remember falling asleep, but it was sometime after whacking my husband several times with my pillow.

I'm going to go out and buy one of those mosquito nets for the bed. I'll hang it above my side of the bed and see how Mr. Laughety laugh laugh likes it.


Dust'n Lint said...

Very cute story ... thank you !

Nothing Profound said...

I'm like that, too. The sound of a cricket ten miles away will keep me up all night. A train could probably run over my legs when I'm sleeping and I wouldn't notice it. But bug noises drive me crazy.

Lazybrain said...

This story made my morning...our house operates just like that!